the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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