So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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