Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
