Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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