On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
