The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
