Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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