T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
