we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
