he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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