Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Never let your siblings swipe right.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
