Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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