In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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