we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
