normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
