First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
