Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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