sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
