Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
two words: eviction party
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
