We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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