I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
