his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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