Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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