you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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