Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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