I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
