theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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