also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
