did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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