you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
