I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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