Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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