He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize