i may or may not be watching the land before time
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
