I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
