My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
