I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize