careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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