You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
