I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
