True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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