I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
