Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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