This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
