This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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