I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
