i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
