So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
