Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize