Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
