I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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