You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
