i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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