and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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