My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
