I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize