Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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