it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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