Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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