They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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