oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
