I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
