I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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