i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
