when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
