remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
