The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
