oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize