So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
