I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
